Saturday, July 26, 2014

Another day at Starbucks...

As many of you may know, I started working at Starbucks a month-and-some-change ago. The change in scenery and such doesn't seem to have affected my snark-levels. Anyway, here's something I wrote in regards to annoying customers:

We’re closed

  I didn’t realize it was you:

No wonder you drove on past that menu board—
  the one that says in red:

You are clearly too important
  (and too wealthy)
for us to ignore.

What can I get started for you?

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

All For A Little Money

I woke up too early this morning. 
My right eye too blurry. 

Why do I do this shit? 
For money?
I am an artist! I don't need money!

Oh wait. 
I see Sallie Mae over in the corner with a lead pipe.
Maybe I should just suck it up

 and keep on going for a while. 

Do I Want My MTV?

People bemoan the downfall of MTV, but they fail to notice its inherent problem: 

If MTV was still Music Television and not the Mindless Teen Void, it would still suck ass. 

How much ass? All of the ass. 
And then some. 
It would suck so much ass that the world would owe MTV ass to suck. 

Don’t get me wrong, I would love to see more of my favorite bands on TV, but that just isn’t going to happen. Judas Priest won’t educate us on the merits of breaking the law, nor will Iron Maiden run to hills. 

What we will get is corporate bullshit. Coming up, the latest from Nickelback, followed by Green Day’s new hit “Remember When We Were a Punk Band?” But first, here is “Sexploitation” by Jailbait Blond. She didn’t write, hell, she didn’t even really sing it, but fuck it. You’ll buy it!

MTV is dead, and we should be thankful. 

We live in a time where we get to be our own VJs.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Dear Mr. Taco Time,

How can you sleep at night knowing that you deceive your customers on a daily basis? That’s right, I know the secret behind your “Mexi-Fries.” They’re not fries at all, but rather Mexi-LIES—tater tots in disguise! I bet you thought nobody would ever find out, but guess again, bucko! Not only do I know, but everyone who is either Mexican or has Mexican heritage knows. What, did you believe they would actually think that those were French fries, and  not reanimated potato refuse?

Perhaps this is even more sinister than it appears. Perhaps the vaguely racist sentiments expressed are intentional. French fries are sliced from whole potatoes, while tater tots are glued together from the scraps that remain. Are you trying to imply that Mexicans are the scraps not good enough to be a part of French society? HMM? 

But maybe your racism was unintentional. We can fix that. Let’s change the name. I suggest Taco-Tots. It has the “Three-A”s that people crave: alliteration, accuracy, and “allure.” What do I mean by allure? Not sure, really. I put it in there because people like groups of threes and I couldn’t think of a more relevant “A”. Well, it looks like I’m just about out of the 250 word limit that you FASCISTS imposed on me, so I guess I’ll leave you with this question: from what animal are the meat-flavored crispy burritos derived? Is it PEOPLE?!