Overheard at Starbucks 2: The Revenge

"I secede from the union," remarked the grizzly-voiced man adding half & half and sugar to his drip coffee. "I give everybody a day to get out. I would kick them out immediately, but it's Christmas. That sounds fair, right?"

His friend chuckles and mutters something or other to show that he is listening, but has nothing really to add. The grizzled man continues: "Californians gotta get out now." His friend continues to play the role of Paul Shaffer.

Paul Shaffer seen here on The Letterman Show (Image courtesy of disney.wikia.com)

"You're not even from the south," his friend finally gets a sentence out.

"The blacks can stay," the man says, playing off of his friend's reference to the American Civil War. "But the Californians gotta go!" Finally done adding cream and sugar to his drink, the secessionist and his friend wander off to find a seat in the crowded Starbucks.

Overheard at Starbucks...

A swarm of young ladies enter the Starbucks, all wearing identical black yoga pants and brown boots. The headbandded gal declares to the world, "I LOVE STARBUCKS!" The group discusses what they are all getting.

One member of the pack says that she's not getting anything. "You're not getting any Starbs?" questions the headbandded gal to her non-conformist friend. "I'll buy you a Starbs! It's cold out, you have to get some Starbs."

They order their non-fat beverages and move on, only leaving behind what is quite possibly the dumbest nickname for Starbucks.

The "Amazing" Spider-Man

Dear whoever made The Amazing Spider-Man (I don't care to look up your name),

Watching somebody browse the web doesn't make for a compelling scene. I browse the web too much as is. I don't need to watch somebody else do it.

Sincerely,
Jeffery

P.S.
Why did you feel the need to make Spider-Man be Teen Wolf?

The Window

Dusty

As if an urn had broken

and covered the window

with cremains.

Gray

Completely solid in color

except for the piece missing

out of the bottom right corner.

Darkness

All that shines through

the hole in the corner

is a lone candle in the distance.

Noises

Faintly echoing

through the dirty window. Is

somebody in there?

Figures

Appear through the hole.

Dressed in black robes

they chant in ominously.

Diablo

They chant for their lord

Satan almighty while lighting

black candles.

Screams

Blood curdling and horrible.

They’re coming from inside

beyond the dirty window.

Ritual

Sacrificing the virgin

to please their lord

Satan almighty.

See

Me through the dirt

covered window, they do.

Coming to get me.

Blinded

And gagged. They drag me

into the place of ritual.

The Window

Serves as my last witness

but it shall never tell

the horrors it has seen.

Oh, it's Halloween!

What I love about Halloween…

The sound of laughter in the air.

The abundance of candy corn piled to the sky at the store,

The social acceptance of dressing like a whore!

The horror movies that finally get some time on TV,

The excuse to listen to more horror stories by King Diamond.

The little Lady Gagas and Justin Biebers ringing my door bell,

the ease of abducting kiddos as they come to my home 

the trick of slaughtering my newfound captives who were looking for a treat

the missing people reports showing off my skills on the late-night news

the police pounding down my door

the cuffs cutting off circulation to my now blue hands

the daily beatings I receive to my head and torso in the prison courtyard

the elegant voice of the priest reading me my last rites

the smooth feel of the hemp rope snuggled around my shaven neck

the weightlessness I feel as the bottom drops out

the light that fla   s   h       e   

(R)iPhone

Sitting on a cluttered desk

Lopsided from a frightening fall off a deck

Its cold aluminum back bent.

It was the talk of the town when it was built,

Now it watches as the new model takes its place,

Like a horse who can no longer win a race.

The black slab thinks back to all the grand times it had

To a time when it was gladly held

To the thousands of jams it played in A minor

Like an old jukebox in a ‘50s diner.

Its mirrored surface still reflects the morning sun

Even though it goes without being seen.

Its owner has moved on,

Its glory days are long gone.

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Bill Cosby

The following is an homage to Wallace Stevens' Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird.

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Bill Cosby

I.
Among the twenty terrible sweaters
The only moving thing
Was the Bill Cosby.

II.
I watched three ads
On TV
In which there were three Cosbys.

III.
The Cosby zip zap zoos
It was a part of his act.

IV.
A Jello Pudding and a New Coke
Are one.
A Jello Pudding a New Coke and a Bill Cosby
Are one.

V.
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of Jello Jigglers
Or the beauty of dad sweaters,
The Cosby floobity doobity
Or just after.

VI.
Pudding cups filled the long window
With BPA-filled waste.
The shadow of the Cosby
Crossed it, y'see?
The Cosby
Encased in a sweater
A zany spokesman.

VII.
O thin man of Brooklyn,
Why do you imagine healthy snacks?
Do you not see how the Cosby
Prances around the TV
To sell you chocolaty chemicals?

VIII.
I know the Huxtables
And I know the Kids Say the Darndest Things;
But I know, too,
That the Cosby was involved
in Fat Albert.

IX.
When the Cosby quit TV,
It marked the end
Of a television era.

X.
At the sight of Cosby
Gliding in a green sweater,
Even the stiffs of Boringtown
Would laugh out loudly.

XI.
He road over Brooklyn
In a Volvo PV 544.
Once, a fear pierced him.
In that he mistook
The life he lived
For Cosby's.

XII.
The New Coke is flowing,
The Cosby must be kerfufflin'.

XIII.
It was daytime all night.
It was hot.
It was going to get hotter.
The Cosby sat
With Jello Pudding Pops in hand.