Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Finger-Licking God

The weary traveler pulls into the cracked and craggeled grounds of the Colonel’s temple of sacrifice. Peckish, perhaps even famined, he lowers the glass barrier of the vehicle door to beg to the electric gods.

Pictographs depicting desecrated corpses of fowl, buckets of flesh and bone, vegetation obliterated and slathered in the rendered paste of the dead enshrine tablets of metal and polycarbonate. The grotesque display terrifies the poor traveler, but his stomach grumbles in pain.

His voice trembles as he beseeches the gods: “Do… Do you have chicken sandwiches?” He shoves his digits into his mouth and bites at his nails, scraping away dirt and debris with every nibble.

“We have chicken littles,” the tone croaks in an almost human voice. The travelers teeth draw blood.

He fears his question has angered them, but he can’t turn back now. His hunger too strong, he must make this plea work. “I’ll just have a bucket… of chicken.”

They hear his request and pause before saying anything. He licks the blood off his fingers before it drips onto his hand. “What would you like to drink?”

The traveler has had nothing but water for what seems like a lifetime. His mind wanders back to his youth when the harsh bubbles of Coke hit his tongue for the first time on a hot summer morning. “I’ll have a Coca-Cola.”

“WE HAVE PEPSI,” it responds.

The memories of a time before the bitterness of the Earth had eroded its way to the surface must have clouded his judgment. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. A Pepsi is fine,” he grovels.

Another pause draws more blood from his gnarled phalanges. “Pull forward for your total.” The last request from the metal voice. He must now face the things that should not be.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem

Tartar control
cavity control
control over your whole damn mouth.

Why does toothpaste have to be

It’s all just mint-flavored
in a tube, right?

I’m sorry.
This one’s “herbal mint”.
What exactly does that mean?
Am I going to get green bits
stuck in my teeth?
Is there kale in it?

Let’s just simplify things a bit.
Throw out your 3Ds White and
your Pros-Health.
Stick with just the classics:
white paste
blue paste

and bubble gum—you know, for kids.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

5 Things You Won't Believe You Are Doing Wrong

1. Eating Pasta

You probably eat pasta with a fork, right? Well, YOU’RE WRONG! Pasta is actually meant to be eaten with your toes. That’s right, according to Dominic Pastarelli—the 12th century Italian monk who invented what we now know as “pasta”—the gunk and odors of the human foot are essential ingredients to this carbo-licious dish. That’s why Olive Garden uses active live cultures collected from real human feet in all their pasta recipes. It helps to simulate that authentic flavor even when using a metal fork.

It’s also especially important not to clean between your toes before doing this. The lint that gets trapped in there provides a host of nutrients such as fiber and protein.

2. Getting Out of Bed

When you get up in the morning, do you toss off the covers, sit up, and then slide out of bed? If so, you are a horrible monster! The real way to get out of bed is so much better. Ever wonder why both mattresses and trampolines are made out of springs? It’s because they were both made for bouncing! That’s right, you are supposed to literally jump out of bed.

Tomorrow morning when your alarm, cat, or human child wake you up, get out of bed correctly. Toss off the covers like normal, then stand up on the mattress and start bouncing. How many times you bounce depends on your religious preferences. Pope Francis bounces three times in observance of the Holy Trinity, whereas the Dalai Lama bounces eight times in honor of the Buddha’s Noble Eightfold Path. Check with your local religious leaders to find out the correct number of bounces for you, or if you’re secular, bounce as many times as you see fit. After the bouncing is finished, it’s time to leap toward the start of your new day!

3. Exorcisms

Ever since The Exorcist terrified movie audiences back in 1973, exorcisms have become as commonplace as your morning coffee. But did you know that the film has led to us all performing this ritual incorrectly?

While it certainly sounds cool to recite prayers in Latin and to tell demons, “The power of Christ compels you,” this isn’t the correct way to expel evil. According to the Treaty of Hell and Earth—an agreement reached between 19th century heads of state from around the globe and the Satanic Congress—the real way to banish ghouls requires that you first place a drop of milk of magnesia on the host’s forehead. Let the possessor know what it is beforehand and they will sit still while you apply the drop. Next, recite the phrase, “Earth demon, Earth demon, wouldst thou scram?” If done correctly, this method works 100% of the time.

4. Putting On Pants

We all know the expression, “I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of you,” but did you know that this is actually the wrong way to put on pants? Pants were actually designed to be put on both legs at the same time. It wasn’t until the early 20th century that one legged pants-putting-on-ers emerged.

Silent film star Lester “Legs” McGillicuddy kicked off the disastrous trend that lives on today. In his 1907 feature film Dr. Barnacle’s Emporium of Pants, McGillicuddy played a man who was shopping for a pair of pants. When he goes to try on the pants, he puts a separate pair of pants on each leg. The salesman asks him in the title card, “What are you doing?” McGillicuddy responded with, “I put my pants on one leg at a time.” And thus a fashion disaster began.

5. Raising the Dead

Anyone who lives by a busy highway knows that when your pet or favorite little human gets run over by a semi truck whose driver is too busy listening to the Ramones to pay attention to the road, that you simply scrape their corpse off the pavement and bury them under some rocks in your local neighborhood Mi’kmaq burial ground. Have you ever noticed, though, that they always come back a little bit murderous? It’s because you’re doing it wrong, stupid!

The proper way to raise the dead is an insanely easy process. It’s so easy, once you try it, you’ll never do it any other way again. As before, you’ll want to scrape your loved one’s remains off of the road. Be extra sure to do this before any scavengers begin to feast. You don’t want to attract rats. Next, grate some tannis root onto the corpse. If you don’t have the fresh stuff, pre-ground tannis root powder will work in a pinch, though the dead might not smell as good once they are reanimated. Next, slice your hand and drizzle your blood on their body while reciting the incantation, “Klaatu Barada Nikto.” Keep chanting until you feel a force throw you backwards and the dead rises again.