A Letter to the Ghost of Billy Mays

To: The Ghost of Billy Mays

I am dissatisfied with my Big City Slider Station. It seared my mouth-watering Billy Burgers to perfection, but it just can’t outperform my frying pan. You see, my kids, they love The Three Stooges. When somebody comes to the door, I answer and say, “Hey chowderhead!” and wallop their skull with a frying pan. While the non-stick heavy-duty construction of your burger press provides more splatter, it doesn’t make the noise that the kids have come to expect. They prefer the ringing chimes of the frying pan as it takes its toll on the missionary’s head.

From: Drunk and Dissatisfied

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Jeffery Shellenbarger